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[Lord Norghul]

This is kind of an old story but I thought I'd share it nonetheless, it's based around my Chaos marines, the Luciferians. They're like a big tribute to death metal I guess you could say. lol



"Fragging finally." Vill grumbled to himself, as he tapped a couple keys on his wrist dataslate; then pressed the button on his helmet to activate his vox line "We've located the Mechanicus Immaterium facility, awaiting further instruction." He raised a fist to stop the rest of his traitor guard squad and with his same hand pulled his pack of lho-sticks of from one of the pockets on his chest and lit the end of it inhaling enough to ignite the dried herb.
"You are to rendezvous with squad Drazzoth as they slaughter the Sororitas whores. They will brief you from then on Vill." The deformed voice of Haaghoth came over the vox speakers in Vill's helmet veiled with static as the winds of a snow storm began to pick up.
"Understood command." Vill said passing his lho-stick off to Fretza who took it and threw it into the snow, mumbling her dissatisfaction about how if they had snipers they must have seen it and would know they were coming. Vill laughed to himself then slid his Golgothan's sergeant helmet down over his face, the helmet was massively modified from its original design; now possessing a pair of small horns coming from below the visor like tusks with two more identical copies an further down the jaw, all the technical devices remained but they were now engraved with unholy markings granting Vill a psychic link on top of the link to his neural implants and a sort of second sight when he let the Warp over take him. "You all heard Haaghoth, we're to move into the Mech facility and meet up with our Luciferian counter parts. As planned we're going through the basement, command tells me there should be little resistance with the Space Marines inside killing everything for us, I pray to Satan that he delivers us lives to end and souls to send him." He said as he powered on his clawed power fist, which was followed by the sounds of the rest of the squad pulling back the actions of their autoguns and slamming power packs into lasguns. "We use the snow storm as cover while we move towards the base." He spoke over the team vox line, raising his power fist with his fingers balled then pointed forward, signaling the squad to move out.

"Wrek, I want fire on those doors as soon as the rest of them show up." Champion Drazzoth said over the vox line as he threw a dead Sister of battle to the ground, the half of the tactical squad that Wrek lead took up positions around the only entrance into the lab, flipping over metal desks and cabinets to use as cover. Drazzoth looked through the Adeptus staff finding the Magos they were there to meet. "Methethus, I want this gate open now!" He yelled through the vox grill on his helmet.
Hesitating for a moment Magos Methethus rushed over to Drazzoth, stopping a few feet away he bowed slightly then began to speak "Sire, we cannot open the portal without a skilled enough sorcerer." He stood at an under-grown 5'4", clad in the black cloaks of the Adeptus Immaterium which hid most of his bionic modifications but a significant amount of wires and tubes stuck out through the draping cloths. "We do not have the adequate levels of psychic energy to maintain the daemonic forms that you wish to summon."
Drazzoth raised his wrist mounted combi-melta, switching the rate of fire for the bolter section as he spoke "Your lack of faith disappoints me Methethus." Leveling his bolter before the Tech Priest he fired into the man's chest and the explosive rounds blew through his back sending gouts of blood spurting everywhere. "This ritual will be performed through bloodshed; you and these sororitas are just the beginning." He pointed to all the corpses of the Sororitas guards' who were left to watch Methethus's work, as his body fell backwards hitting the ground with a cold thud, the oil and blood that sustained him moments ago began to pool around him soiling the spotless black of his cloak. "When the rest come running and they bring their weak troopers with them we will cut them all down and spread their blood about the room to anoint these machines in their defiled essences. This will provide the energies to summon the Beast."
"Champion Drazzoth, I'm picking up motion on the auspex. Someone's coming down the hall." Wrek's voice played through the speaker in Drazzoth's helmet.
"How many?" Drazzoth asked trying to get a better idea of what was coming.
"I can make out 14, split 6 to 8."
"Good, with the ones we've slaughtered already we should have enough." Drazzoth flexed his fingers around his power swords grip, the weapon hummed as it moved through the air, the searing red edges of the black obsidian blade burned the particles floating in the room. The energies pulsing inside it were generated by his rage and not the technical power pack that once did. The buzzing of mechanized parts and clacking of switching controls, roused Drazzoth from his thinking and he laughed to himself as he watched the Adepts that Methethus was leading begin to activate the gate, their fear of a similar fate spurring them into action. The machine was on a large rockcrete altar, with a huge plasteel staircase leading up to a elegantly inscribed circular archway, the arch's inside had three considerably sized orbs, encased in a cube each and were aligned like a triangle; the orbs shone with scarlet light as they began to charge and crackle with electricity. Drazzoth could hear the Sisters of Battle's Sister Superior shouting prayers and orders in the hall as they charged towards their waiting deaths. "I want this machine ready by the time we're finished." He shouted as he moved into position before the doorway, he waited with the rest of his marines for the puny Sisters and Guardsmen to show themselves.
As if on queue two blind grenades rolled in through the door and exploded flashing light for a moment then spewing a cloud of grey smoke which filled the entrance and slowly billowed into the room. Instantly followed by bolter and las fire coming through the smoke, the majority of the shots flew over head or uselessly hit the desks and cabinets the Marines took cover behind. A few of the shots managed to pick out some of the Adepts working about the room, fatally wounding two of them, 'causing their bodies to fall forward onto their work and add towards the blood. There was inaudible chatter on the other side of the smoke then the sound of movement and shadows started to appear in the slowly dissipating smoke.
Drazzoth looked over to Wrek and raised his hand signaling Wrek and the rest of the squad to fire when they could see them. Nine acknowledgement runes flashed on his HUD then he leaned back against the cabinet Thrall had knocked over, waiting for one of the others to open fire. Soon enough being satisfied with the explosive clap of bolter rounds being fired as the squad began to let loose. Drazzoth climbed to his feet gripping the handle of his combi-melta, he pressed down the trigger shooting the first body he saw. His bolter rounds found the chest of an imperial storm trooper who was attempting to take up position and fire back on the entrenched Space Marines, his body falling limp against the wall. Taking aim on another of the loyalists, he watched two more die from Loxyle's meltagun, the massive torch weapon burned through their midsections melting every organ it touched, while blistering and searing the surrounding flesh of the wound. Firing on one of the remaining troopers, Drazzoth saw the sisters rushing through the smoke all of them had chainswords raised and bolt pistols readied. Laughing out loud he jumped over the cabinet while shooting his bolter at the assaulting sisters, the first one through charged him swinging her chainsword down on him, sweeping left he reared his left arm back then stabbed forward plunging his anger powered blade through her helmet, reveling in her scream and feeling her agony through his pyshic connection with the weapon, a sinister smile formed on his lips. Throwing her corpse to the ground two more of them came at him, one of them wielding a chainsword in each hand, the other was firing on Drazzoth as she ran, ducking he rolled back to the right to avoid the bolt pistol fire; the dual wielding sister swung at him with one of her blades but fell short as a burst of bolter fire penetrated her thigh sending her to the ground clutching her wound. Drazzoth rose blocking the second ones chainsword with his combi-melta's bayonet then drove his sword through the woman's stomach, holding her level for a second to kick her still dying body off of it.
"Blaspheming traitors! The Emperor's judgment is upon you!" The ear-splitting sound of blind faith interrupted the glorious chaos of mass murder as the Sororitas' Sister Superior trotted into the room, her crumbling features were laden with the years of futile fighting against the Warp. She and another sister were the last of the squad still standing, with three members of the storm troopers still firing from behind the corpses of their fallen comrades.
By now Thrall and most of the other members of Drazzoth's tactical squad were out from behind their cover, with their chainswords ready to spill blood, charging in for the kill, no doubtedly driven on by his display. The Champion himself found he was instinctively assaulting the foolish Sisters, tearing towards them in an uncontainable rage.
In a moment they all fell upon the remnants of the wasted counter attack, Thrall was the first to reach them, his Destroyers rage was almost unmatchable and he proved his prowess with his blade as he attacked the one remaining sister, leaving the superior to Drazzoth, Thrall's weapon clashed with the Sisters clanging loudly as the serrated teeth hit. Wielding his chainsword in one hand, he deftly ducked and dodged the much smaller female's swipes, delivering his own quick punches to her body and unhelmeted face slowly softening her for the final strike when he slashed off her left arm and drove his sword through her midsection a number of times.
In the same instance Drazzoth met with the leader, who wielded a giant power maul instead of the swords as her fallen had. She swung her maul in short quick swings, 'causing him to block with his sword and only get in every other stab with his bayonet. The sister swung a gauntleted fist towards Drazzoth's midsection; the blow was barely noticed by him as he drove his bayonet into her collar bone stopping her assault entirely, he followed up with his power weapon driving it through her stomach twice to incapacitate her completely. Dropping her corpse, he looked to Thrall who was finishing the Sister he had engaged, slicing off her other arm and firing a bolter shell through her skull. "Good work, brothers!" Drazzoth yelled through his vox grill as he turned around to face the working adepts. "Alright which of you lowly tech fools was below Methethus?"
"I am, my lord." A colourless cloaked Adept stood up from his work and rushed over to stand before Drazzoth getting down on a knee before speaking again. "I am Cyber Seer, Helhbrig Zulh-"
"I care not for your status or name peon!" Drazzoth cut the priest off, walking around him as he ejected a clip and replaced it. "I want these corpses bled, skinned and gutted. Their organs and blood poured onto the machines to lay where it will. The skins will be nailed to the walls and machines as well."
"Vile betrayers!" The Sister Superior was climbing to her feet, pointing her maul towards Drazzoth. "This mock ceremony will gain you nothing! The Dark Gods cannot save you from His judgement!"
Thrall fired a bolter round into her leg, sending her to her knees again as he walked to her, keeping his weapon aimed at her the whole way. Standing right before her he leaned over and smashed his ceramite fist into her face to silence the hollow prayers she was muttering with her last breath. Raising his chainsword, the teeth began to whirr like a starving creature in the anticipation to end her life; Thrall readied her for the final blow as he lifted her up by the throat.
"Thrall!" Drazzoth bellowed his name, stopping him in place. "Save her."
Nodding silently Thrall lowered his weapon but still held the woman at the throat, clenching his fingers tighter at every movement she made.
Turning back to the Cyber Seer Drazzoth pointed passed him speaking once more "Get it done."
"As you wish." Helhbrig said getting to his feet and bowing slightly behind the cruel marine, he then started making short and long clicking sounds which earned a reply of more clicks as the rest of the heretic adepts began to move the bodies around the room, going to work in readying the room for the ritual, Helhbrig himself ran to join a group of three cloaked figures at a console in the wall.
Drazzoth assumed this was machine speak and their need to use another language around him annoyed him to no end like they were hiding something from him. He switched his vox unit on and spoke over the squad channel. "Wrek keep your eyes on these deceptive creatons, any sign of disloyalty I want you to make an example of one of them."
"I shall, champion" Wrek replied.
"Golgothan Squad Vill, come in. This is Champion Drazzoth requesting your location."

[GluttonousSlave]

Hmmm, Chaos Marines that worship Satan and smoke lho. Personally, I would have gone with Khorne and perhaps something around the lines of "Deathshade", respectively. But I can dig it. I really think the Main Character could use more developement. I would add more sensory desricptions of the other characters too. Also, some of your sentences are wayyy to wordy, or just too damn long (a sentence should on establish 1 idea ). Minimal spelling/grammar errors
You do describe the behavior of the weapons very enjoyably (i.e. the anger powered sword, how he felt it tear through her, and my personal faveorite: the teeth began to whirr like a starving creature). You portrayed the Sisters very well too.
All in all, a very fine intro.
Would you like somebody to continue the story? I'd be honored.

I have an Intro too. Its under RP/40K. It would be great if you could critique it and fucking Incredible if you could continue It for a lil bit.

[Lord Norghul]

The guys in the beginning smoking lho are actually all guardsmen and Drazzoth could use some work definitely. I haven't done much on him yet because I don't want to slack on bringing him to life. I noticed that as well, the lack of descriptions for the other marines, kind of left them as ghosts with bolters and chainswords.
That is one of my problems with writing, I can never tell when to end sentences, add a coma or begin a new paragraph. That's how the section of my marines works, rage fueled, anger machines but thanks for taking the time to read this and help me out.
I'd rather work on the story more myself but I'll take any advice you have to give and I will definitely check out yours and add something if I can. Thanks again, man.

[dx144]

Nice read =)

If you don't mind me saying the text was a little but too close and became a wall of text. Made t a little hard for me to read =P

If you do write another could you try to space out the text a little bit more?

Other than that I found it to be a good read. Anything having to do with Sisters of Battle being killed I'm all for it =)

[Orion Gallo]

Ill read this one when I'm done work.

[Lord Ariok]

very nice mate i love it lol and yes gluttonous Iho stick are actually mentioned in guard novels